Tuesday, May 16, 2006


I often vacillate between publicly journaling my personal struggles and simply sticking to expressing my opinion on a variety of things. It has become more and more difficult to post here because there is so much in the news to write about, and there has been quite a bit in my personal life as well.

In the past, I've written about my relationship with the lovely Telios, and I've also written about old friends (some of whom have contacted me, which has been lovely). Once I even shared a long-term struggle I've had with my creative longings, something that is rearing its head again.

So, I'm taking the public journal route in the hope that perhaps my perspiration will be someone's inspiration. The universe has a funny way of making things happen when we won't make them happen for ourselves. People come into our lives, leave our lives. Jobs come and go. Disappointments mount. Sigh.

I've been laid off my job. I can't say I was surprised, but it sucks anyway. The truth is I grew to depend on that regular check, and the regular benefits. The truth is I like having a routine, even one that isn't that great. Waking at a certain time, wearing certain clothes. You get used to that. You get used to seeing people most of the week. I'm okay for money right now, although I'm not sure why I've sort of been hiding from my landlady. The rent will be paid on time and in full for most of a year. I have a part-time job, and I can pick up another one, or even temp. Telios has partner benefits at her job, and I can get on her insurance once mine is done. She's a little conflicted about hers, though, so I do feel a little bad about sort of forcing her to stay if she isn't completely happy about it.

The greater thing, the scarier thing, scarier than money, more frightening than making sure I stay healthy and uninjured is that I really don't do many things well other than music. I don't think I do music that well, so I have a small problem. However, others would disagree about my musical talents, and so I've been making concerted efforts to browse the musician listings on Craigslist and respond to postings I think I might be suited for. Wonder if I should freak out because no one has responded to any of my messages even to say "we're not looking for 40-year-old church musicians who play by ear better than they read, with no jazz experience, no Berklee or Julliard or Clive Davis School degree bullshit-ass wannabe career changers going through a midlife crisis, so have a seat, old lady."

Sigh. I don't have to financially freak out yet. I do have a severance package, and a church job. I'd just like to feel a little more confident about the whole thing. I should probably just stick to my original plan which was to:

1. Get a piano teacher to help with improv and theory
2. Buy a guitar and teach myself enough chords to play music to entertain the hoardes of babies in the nabe lucky enough to hang out in coffee bars with their work at home moms
3. Try to write more and get published
4. Take the summer off, work on my resume and get another job or register with a temp agency

Perhaps I should just not attempt anything major until a full month has passed (it's only been three weeks). Perhaps I should just act like I'm on vacation. Perhaps I should just have another cup of coffee, reminisce about last week's incredible trip to France (another post, I swear!), and learn the music I need to know for tomorrow's rehearsal for the job I do have.



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