Sunday, December 04, 2005

No More Chick Flicks Ever!

I figured out a long time ago that I was no garden-variety chick. I like pedicurres, but hate manicures. I'll only allow my partner to do my hair, and shopping isn't supposed to be an all-day affair, even with rest breaks and a food court.

I simply hate chick flicks, movies that are either marketed specifically to women, or have a storyline that appeal heavily to women. I like the occasional romantic comedy, but it has to be smart, somewhat complex. I like British romantic comedies, but modern stories, not period pieces based on some great sappy classic by a long-dead, pale-faced, sex-starved waif in petticoats. I even like gay romantic comedies, but not because I'm gay, but because there's enough conflict to make the relationship interesting. However, I draw the line at movies that are based on tragedy-as-redemption, mother-daughter vehicles. I saw "The Joy Luck Club" but never have to see it again. Same for "Steel Magnolias" and "The Ya-Ya" hoo ha. I didn't see "The Piano" because facing two hours of a mute playing the piano and a kind-hearted roughhouse love of her life wasn't at all appealing (not to mention the possibility of seeing Harvey Keitel's ass). I fear "Memoirs of a Geisha," no matter how popular the book was, will be another of those tear-jerkers that I just can't do.

I can't watch these movies because I lived my own mother-daughter adolescent hell. I managed to get through it, and forgive my mother for being a raving lunatic (please, God, let it have been menopause and not her being a witch), so that we can have a decent relationship. Not only that, but some of these women deserve a swift kick in the pants, and I'm just frustrated through the whole thing. And my darling Telios watches and watches them over and over again.

She doesn't limit herself to dramas, either. She also tortures me with "Bring It On," "Bring It On Again," "Miss Congeniality," and the ones with Reese Witherspoon playing the sorority girl who becomes a Harvard Law grad. I know it's because she works a demanding job, and likes the escapism, but I need a different kind of escapism. I need material that is so far removed from my own life that I can fully immerse myself in it and escape so far that I need frequent flyer miles to pay for the trip back.

I guess I just have to accept that I'm definitely not a guy, and will happily skip floaters like "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" or the "American Pie" movies. But I also happily boast to the world that I hate chick flicks.

Give me a marathon of "Matrix" movies any day.

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