Thursday, May 19, 2005

Go Away, Already

Enough with the niceness (sorry, ABB, but I couldn't help it) . Where, oh where do we begin?

The Donald
You know you're a pain in the ass when your name has "the" in front of it as though it were a royal title. Trust me, it's no compliment. Your buildings suck and no one gives a rat's ass what you think about the new World Trade Center or the old World Trade Center, or even about who's hired. Shut up, and go away. Get a fuckin' haircut. You look like some guy who didn't get the memo that you're too old to be in the club. Oh, sorry, you are the guy who's too old to be in the club. You're an opportunistic clown whose persistence in giving people their opinion is tiresome. Shut up, take your funny-looking wife, and go away.

The Teacher & Student Wedding
Please, Lord, tell me that once Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau are married that we'll never have to hear from them again. Queers can't get married, but this grown-ass woman who was in her thirties when she had sex with a TWELVE YEAR OLD is planning to wear white, have a buncha bridesmaids, and feature the fucking circus on national television. Shut up, and go away. Go into hiding. Try not to have kids, ya psycho. And for the love of pete, Vili, cough so your balls will drop. Sheesh.

The Scary-Ass Government
Anybody else officially scared? Between the special interest groups that are rapidly becoming just groups, the growing reliance on special interest groups, and the war on civil liberties (WTF -- I'm not a REAL American if I disagree with my government?), I'm seriously wondering what the sam hill are we supposed to do? This kinda scary shit makes it easier for me to direct my anger to...

You're a Grownup -- Now Act Like It
If you have to wear a tie to work, take those stupid-ass braids outta ya head and get a haircut. Braids on a grown man only work if you're a professional athlete or rapper where you get paid to live out your boyish fantasies. Can't afford a haircut? Shave your head. Pull your pants up (white boys too). Put the doo-rag in your pocket (white boys too). Enough already!

And sistahs, you ain't off the hook neither. If I can see your tits or your ass, don't wear it to work. If I can see your navel piercing, don't wear it to work. If you've worn that outfit to drinks with the girls or out to the club, don't wear it to work. And white girls, I'm moving on to you. That Carrie Bradshaw crazy-ass style was wack on her. Don't do it. Don't roll up on me like we're friends and then try to talk your way into my job. Stop saying "Oh no she didn't." And "Girlfriend..." You don't hear me saying "I was like, completely, like suprised at the whole, like thing." Like shut the fuck up, like already.

Stop Abusing Us with Your Cell Phone
Anyone else wish you could disable a cellphone? Ever been in the midst of a tough-ass cardio workout only to have some bony, sweat-free thing on your right or left making plans for later that night? "Like, I'm at the gym. I'm totally like into getting drinks later. Oh, I'll call you back. Like the fat bitch on my left is like totally throwing me like dirty looks." In a second, I'm throwin' my foot up yo ass. Shut the fuck up.

How about the needle dick in the elevator who isn't closing an all important deal, asking the doctor if his grandmother will live, or talking with a maitre'd about how to hide the diamond ring for his proposal that night. This is him: "Yeah, dude, it was awesome. Yeah, I know. Yeah, she totally dug me. Dude, really. No, really. No, I like totally had a chance to bang her, dude." I'm about to bang you, asshat. You couldn't spell pussy, much less smell pussy. Shut the fuck up and go away.

That's it for rants for now. I will come up with others, I swear. All I have to do is keep livin.


Anonymous AngryBlackBitch said...

If the National Review says it's wrong a bitch is going to have to try it! Un-American my black ass!

1:34 PM  

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