Thursday, August 19, 2004

Things I Can't Stand

Every opinionated writer has a few of these lists in their repertoire. Here is mine, and it probably won't be the last.

1. Bling Bling -- It's one thing to have nice-looking, tasteful jewelry with quality diamonds in it, but we're talking about diamonds that have nothing going for them except for size and quantity; if one diamond is good, let's make a pendant with 85 crappy diamonds in it.

2. 5X t-shirts on size M bodies -- it's just stupid.

3. Cornrows on grown men -- if you're over 18 and/or you're required to wear a tie to work, get a haircut. You have a job, you can afford it.

4. Low carb anything, including orange juice, milk, and beer. Excuse me, but isn't beer derived from grain? And isn't rum made from sugar? And what the hell are net carbs?

5. Over-written topics, including Beyonce, Usher, or Hollywood's most eligible bachelors.

6. Most Eligible Single features in ANY publication.

7. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. I'm sure there is another pair of average-looking, skinny, slightly skanky dippy bottle blondes out there just waiting for their moment in the sun.

8. Is it me or is the average age of celebrities 22? Where are the adults? And why aren't these drug overdoses in training be chaperoned?

9. Reality shows. I have an idea for a new show. I'm going to find every TV exec and shoot them on live TV, starting with the clowns from Bunim-Ellis and Mark Wahlberg.

10. Sex experts -- if you need help having sex, you don't deserve to have sex. Most of the deviants that call these experts do it so they can beat off while listening to their own voice on the air.

11. TV shows on criminals; you know, portraits of serial killers, women who kill. Doesn't anyone wonder if the detail on these shows give some bail jumper somewhere food for thought?

12. Stretch anything, especially plus-sized stretch. If I can tell you have cellulite through your clothes, go back home and change.

13. Low slung jeans. They only look good on skinny white girls under 21, with long torsos and a flat ass. Once you've had a baby, or you're over 21, have a short torso, or have flesh hanging even a little over the waistband, go back home and change.

14. Tight anything on a plus-sized woman. Don't get me wrong -- I'm a full-figured gal, married to a full-figured gal. I'm also a full-figured gal who won't even wear tight drawers, and neither does my wife. If you have to constantly snatch down your shirt, if I can see the outline of your privates, if when you remove your pants, there are marks on your legs, your clothes are too tight. Period.

15. Thong underwear. I don't care if fashion says panty lines aren't attractive -- how many skirts or pants do you own that are so clingy you're concerned about panty lines? Think again. Besides, aren't you afraid that the friction from your tight pants will create a dental floss-like effect, and possibly shear off your labia?

16. Pale, skinny vegetarians who are always cold, always have a cold, and want you to believe they'll live a longer healthier life than you, carnivore. Thanks, but I'm happy taking my chances, eating a steak washed down with copious amounts of red wine. At least I'm warm and my nose isn't chafed from blowing.

17. Eating contests. Who thought shoving large amounts of poorly cooked, questionable quality food down your throat in a short period of time was a sport? Some loser who can't bend over to tie his shoes so they have Velcro straps?

18. Fat guys who think fat women are ugly. Look in the mirror, dude. Do I want to have to lift your belly to find your dick?

19. Guys with big guts who buy small-waisted pants, pull them tight, and wear them under their gut. Bro, you need to start shopping at the big & tall store. It's okay, really.

20. American Idol -- after 3 seasons, haven't we yet figured out that talent is relative, and the real winner isn't the contest winner, it's the runner up? He or she has the freedom to sign with any label and sing whatever kind of material (pop, R&B, punk) he or she wants, versus being a slave to a mediocre label, stuck singing pop (AKA Poorly Organized Pablum), and committed to any lame promotional idea stuck in front of me because I'm an American Idol.

21. Pop music -- an oxymoron.


Blogger fahren said...

Amen to #13. Thank Ms Spears for that.

7:10 PM  

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